About Us | How to Get Involved | Resources | Survey | Contact Us| Home

Stressed Out: Helping Parents And Their Kids Deal With Stress In The Teenage Years

For teens, learning how to deal with the stresses of adolescence can be an exercise -- sometimes literally -- in learning positive coping mechanisms.

On Dec. 10, Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, author of "But I'm Almost Thirteen: An Action Plan to Raise a Responsible Adolescent," explained the physiological and mental causes and responses to stress and offered parents ideas to help their children cope positively through exercise, deep breathing, and other techniques.

Dr. Ginsburg, Associate Professor of Pediatrics, Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, gave the presentation to parents and students from public and independent schools in an event sponsored by the Lower Merion-Narberth Community Coalition (LM-NCC) and held at The Haverford School.

The chief factors that contribute to stress in the teenage years, he said, are academics, over-scheduling, and both peer and parent pressure to perform and conform.

Balance is Dr. Ginsburg's goal for parents: how to raise kids who know how to work hard and how to relax. "We tell our kids a lie," he told the audience. "We tell them, work really hard just for two years, the SATs are coming up. Then, when they get into college, we say, work really hard so you can get into the best medical school. And next, work really hard in medical school so you can get a good residency."

The problem, he said, is that there are ever higher goals to achieve... and kids aren't learning how to relax. They can turn toward positive or negative ways of coping with stress: drinking, drugs, sex, and other risky behavior.

"Drugs are an incredibly effective way of feeling different. So is alcohol. Bullying makes you feel powerful," he said. Other negative coping techniques include sex, eating or not eating, avoidance/running away, gang affiliation, cutting or other self-inflicted wounds, violence, etc.

"What do we say? We say, 'don't do that!' That's our answer for kids. And, then, we say, let me give you four or five reasons, delivered in a lecture format, of why you shouldn't do that," he said. "People do not change when you tell them to."

Human beings make a change, he explained, when they know there's a problem, are personally motivated to solve the problem, have or develop the skills to do something about it, and weigh the cost and benefits to make the change permanent.

Teenagers experiment with a variety of coping mechanisms to reduce the uncomfortable feeling of stress. The trick, he said, is for parents to teach children about positive coping skills (e.g., deep breathing, exercise, talking about stress and feelings, expressing emotions through creativity, etc.) that leave the world a better place or the child a better person.

Before addressing the cures, Dr. Ginsburg explained the physiological effects of stress. Stress generates hormones which prepare the body to fight or flee. Blood rushing from the intestines to the legs and buttocks to prepare the body to run causes butterflies in the stomach. You sweat so you can cool off faster. The eyes dilate to help you see better as you run. The mind works at a faster clip. The heart pumps faster to fuel the escape. As he put it, "you're trying to outrun that tiger chasing your butt."

Negative behaviors -- e.g., drug and alcohol use, sex, anorexia/bulimia, cutting, gang involvement, running away -- may relieve initial stress, but they add physiological, psychological, and social problems, which can have a negative impact on the community as well, Dr. Ginsburg said.

"If kids are trying on these [negative] behaviors for fun, they will move past them," he said. "If they are using one of them as a coping mechanism, they will not get out of it.

"As a parent, you need to ask why they are doing it, listen intently, find out what's going on and why. Begin as slowly as you can," he advised. "It's hard for parents to know that kids are in trouble because it's hard to tell the difference between normal adolescent behavior and trouble. A change in their peer group or grades is a warning sign."

After opening up lines of communication in an authoritative or teaching mode, parents should encourage their teenage child to try various positive ways of coping. "Don't tell them what not to do," he said. "Tell them what to do."

The first step is for the teen to listen to his or her body to see when the stress is happening and what it feels like and then to learn how to reduce the negative feeling.

The top suggestion for counteracting stress is exercise, which releases endorphins that relieve the symptoms of the stress hormones. Next is to try to fool the body into relaxation.

"Your nervous system has two states: emergency or calm," he explained. "Only one can be turned on at a time. If we can learn how to fool our bodies into relaxation, the stress hormones will stop circulating."

Dr. Ginsburg said smoking is a common negative coping mechanism that has positive features except for the "poison you're delivering to your system."

When people are stressed and suddenly have an urge for a cigarette, he said they rush out of the building to the smoking area, where they can complain about their stress to other smokers. They light up and take 10 to 12 deep breaths in and out. That deep breathing (and the commiseration) returns blood to circulation, slows down the heart, and relieves the stressful feelings.

He also suggested activities that require mental or physical concentration, such as karate, dance, yoga, meditation, and community service. Even a simple change such as sitting up straight while taking a test will help. (Instead of hunching over a desk as if you were running, sit up with your hips forward and your body will know you can't be running and will start to calm down.)

"Troubled kids have all these disorganized thoughts that become scary," Dr. Ginsburg added. "The thoughts become boxed up and the box becomes very heavy. Kids think circularly and their thoughts are spinning around in the box and they can't open the box -- temper is what happens when the lid gets opened up and out comes all this uncontrolled, disorganized rage."

He explained that kids need a different kind of "container" for their stress. "We want a Tupperware box where the material is organized in some way. It's a container that you can see through and that lets light in. And, you can burp Tupperware to release the pressure. You can name, organize, and release the stress."

That's where creativity (art, music, poetry), humor, spirituality, journaling, and talking with trusted adults can come in. Other key positive coping mechanisms include good nutrition and sleep.

This event was sponsored by LM-NCC (www.lmncc.org) and co-sponsored by the Bryn Mawr & Lankenau Hospitals/Main Line Health System, Lower Merion Counseling Services, Community Advocates for Safe Youth (CASY), Interschool Counsel of Lower Merion School District (ISC), and the Committee to Address Race in Education (CARE).

For a bibliography, see the Resources page.

top